This Journey

I can't believe we're coming to the end of this....weeks left instead of months. As I look back to that day that he left in September, I remember how heartbroken I was. I'm not sure I have ever felt so hopeless in all my life. This year has brought about so many different emotions and situations to deal with than I could have ever expected. Not to take anything away from anyone who has been through this before but this is definitely different with children. To watch your child have a breakdown because she wants her Daddy is pretty much...well, just heartbreaking! We've now had a year apart without kids and now one with kids and so I'm just comparing the two.

Right now I feel wiped out...I am ready to have our life back. I feel drained, empty, tired. There is just nothing left I have to give. I wish I could say that I have had a year of spiritual growth but instead I have questioned more spiritual things this year than ever in my life. There have been some definite ups and downs; I would say "roller coaster" could accurately depict this year. A mom in our MOPS group spoke at the end of the year in May about how she dealt with a very trying situation (she lost her baby at the end of her pregnancy). She said there were times that she couldn't even pray but she knew God was near. While this situation is temporary unlike hers, I have felt that same way. Some of my favorite Bible verses are about God being our refuge and I think years and times like these are especially true of God being our safe place. That's when I get that picture in my head that was in every Sunday school room when I was little with Jesus and the children on his lap. That picture still gives me comfort even as an adult. I am still his child and I think he would greet me the same way...on bended knee with open arms. I believe that this life is a journey and I have hope that my journey will be something that makes God pleased and that in the end when I finish the race, he will say, "well done" but I do wonder what he thinks about how I've done this year...as a Christian, as a wife, and as a mom. I do care what He thinks!

I have definitely learned this year that I could care less what anyone else thinks...I think hard situations help perspective to be put in place about what is important. I don't care if people agree with how I parent or other decisions I make. I only care about making the most of our time together as a family...making the minutes, days, and years count. I feel a relief now that I'm coming around to that way of thinking. I love having this blog because I can write my personal thoughts as well as having an online diary about the girls (especially for friends and family afar to see). There are times that I don't write certain things because of what someone may think. Those days are over. I hope no one is ever offended by anything I write, but I will be writing more freely now.

As we come to the end of this year, I am so excited. I just can't wait to see Andy standing in formation with his coworkers and then being released to come be with us. I absolutely cannot wait to go to the park and have both of us there with the girls or run to the grocery store altogether. I have learned to completely ignore families when we are out, especially on the weekends when most couples are together. But that will soon be over. I definitely have a new respect for single parents and widows!

I won't be posting anything specific about Andy's return beforehand but please stay tuned for a welcome home picture of our little family near the end of summer. Please keep him in your prayers...we want him to stay safe and have a safe return.